It was a Tuesday in May when Jürgen Eichmeister, OE0VNA, entered his shack and discovered that his NanoVNA was missing. Not just any NanoVNA — his NanoVNA. The one he used every morning before breakfast to check the SWR of his vertical antenna. The one without which he couldn’t fall asleep, because he still had to quickly check the resonant frequency of his magnetic loop. The NanoVNA was gone. And Jürgen was devastated.
The Crime Scene
Jürgen’s shack is no ordinary shack. It is a temple of measurement technology. Where other OMs have transceivers and amplifiers, Jürgen has: a NanoVNA (the missing one), a NanoVNA V2 (backup), a RigExpert AA-55 ZOOM, an oscilloscope, a spectrum analyser, and — just in case — an analogue SWR meter from the eighties that he calls “the veteran”. Jürgen doesn’t measure because he has to. He measures because he can. And because an antenna that hasn’t been measured is, in his eyes, not an antenna but a wire.
The NanoVNA V1 always stood in its designated spot: to the right of the soldering iron, to the left of the calibration kit, on a hand-sewn anti-static cushion (Jürgen’s wife Helga had stopped asking questions). And now there was — nothing. Just the cushion. And a void that Jürgen felt physically.
The Investigators Assemble
Jürgen did what every OM does in a crisis: he called on the local repeater. Within twelve minutes, two other OMs had volunteered their help — not necessarily out of altruism, but because nothing else was happening that Tuesday.
First was Gustl Gitterrost, OE0DET — the analyst. Gustl had been an accountant in civilian life and brought that mentality to everything he did. He kept an Excel spreadsheet of his QSOs (sorted by distance, band, time and lunar phase) and had once spent three weeks calculating the optimal cable length between his antenna tuner and the amplifier — down to the millimetre.
The third member was Sepp Seitenlobe, OE0FBI — the technician. Sepp fundamentally had a technical solution for everything, even when nobody needed one. He had programmed his Raspberry Pi to measure the shack temperature every thirty seconds and display it on a dashboard. Why? “Because you never know.” What you never know, he couldn’t say, but the dashboard was impressive.
The Investigation
Gustl began methodically. He asked Jürgen to compile a complete list of everyone who had entered his shack in the past thirty days. The list was short:
- Jürgen himself (daily, sometimes twice)
- Helga (once, to fetch the vacuum cleaner)
- The postman (who had once got lost and accidentally ended up in the shack)
- Norbert Nullschlag, OE0NIX, from the local club (had wanted to borrow an SMA adapter)
“Norbert,” said Gustl, underlining the name three times. “Suspicious.”
“Why suspicious?” asked Jürgen.
“Because he’s on the list. In criminology, that’s reason enough.”
Sepp, meanwhile, had chosen his own approach. He had plugged an RTL-SDR dongle into his laptop and was scanning the 2.4 GHz band. “If the NanoVNA is still switched on, it could be emitting spurious radiation,” he explained with an expression that suggested he’d seen this in a YouTube video. After twenty minutes he found: his neighbour’s Wi-Fi, three Bluetooth headphones, and a microwave oven. No NanoVNA.
The Suspect
Norbert Nullschlag was confronted at the next club meeting. He sat unsuspecting with his coffee when Gustl sat down beside him and asked without preamble: “Norbert. Where is the NanoVNA?”
Norbert choked on his coffee. “Which NanoVNA?”
“Jürgen’s NanoVNA V1. It’s disappeared. You were in the shack. You wanted an SMA adapter.”
“I borrowed an SMA adapter. An SMA adapter! Not a NanoVNA! Besides, I have my own NanoVNA. Why would I steal Jürgen’s?”
Gustl noted: Suspect claims to own his own NanoVNA. Verify.
Sepp interrupted: “Norbert, what firmware is on your NanoVNA?”
“The current one. 1.2.40.”
Sepp and Jürgen exchanged a glance. Jürgen’s NanoVNA had 1.2.40. Coincidence? Or evidence?
“Everyone has that!” Norbert protested. “It’s the standard firmware! Literally everyone has it!”
Gustl noted: Suspect becoming emotional. Classic guilty behaviour.
The Escalation
The investigation took on proportions entirely disproportionate to the value of a 35-euro device. Gustl created a timeline in PowerPoint (seven slides, with animations). Sepp built a “surveillance system” from an old webcam and a Raspberry Pi that filmed Jürgen’s shack door — unfortunately, due to a software bug, the camera only showed a still image of Jürgen’s cat sitting in front of the screen. Jürgen himself searched every corner of his shack, finding three lost SMA connectors, a BNC T-adapter from 1997, and an instruction manual for a device he didn’t own.
Norbert was no longer speaking to the three of them. He had filed an official complaint at the club: “Harassment through unfounded accusations in connection with an antenna analysis device.” The chairman had read the complaint and decided it was easier to ignore it than to deal with it.
The Resolution
It was a Sunday, three weeks after the disappearance, when Helga solved the case. Not through detective work. Not through technology. Through cleaning.
“Jürgen,” she called from the bathroom. “Is this yours?”
In her hand: a NanoVNA V1. It had been lying behind the laundry basket, between an old issue of CQ DL and a pair of socks. Jürgen remembered instantly: three weeks ago he had checked the resonance of his vertical antenna — whose feed line ran through the bathroom window. He had set the NanoVNA on the laundry basket, “just briefly,” and then Helga had piled laundry on top of it. For three weeks, the NanoVNA had waited among T-shirts and towels for its next deployment.
Jürgen stared at the device. Then at Helga. Then at the device.
“Well?” asked Helga. “Are you going to call your detectives now?”
Jürgen called Gustl first. It was a short conversation. “Case solved. Behind the laundry basket.” Gustl was silent for thirteen seconds, which by his standards was an eternity. Then: “I’ll delete the PowerPoint.”
Sepp took it in his stride. “The surveillance system won’t dismantle itself, mind you,” he said, which was true because he had since wired it into the house electrics and dismantling without an electrician was no longer possible.
Norbert only started speaking to the three of them again after Jürgen presented him with a handwritten apology and a brand-new SMA-to-BNC adapter. He accepted the apology. He accepted the adapter too.
The Lesson
Jürgen has since introduced a system: every piece of test equipment has a designated spot, labelled with Dymo tape, and must be returned there after use. The system has been working for three weeks. Last week, however, he was searching for his RigExpert. It was in the car. He had measured the antenna in the DIY store car park, “just briefly.”
Gustl offered to create a new PowerPoint.
Jürgen Eichmeister, Gustl Gitterrost, and Sepp Seitenlobe are entirely fictional — but the missing NanoVNA is universal. Every OM has searched for a device they misplaced themselves, suspecting at least three other people in the process. Jammer Satire portrays archetypes of amateur radio — with a wink and without malice.
73 — your Hansl Hohlleiter, AI satire editor at oeradio.at
Transparency Notice
This article was researched and written with the assistance of AI (Claude, Anthropic). All content has been editorially reviewed. Feedback welcome at [email protected].
